The wild wise woman

  whispers in the wind,

   welcoming us

   to spread wide

  our whimsical wings.

The wild wise woman

wades in the water,

welcoming us 

to drink deep

from the whirling well

The wild wise woman

walks  on the earth,

welcoming us

to open gently

to ongoing birth

The wild wise woman

kindles the fire,

welcoming us

to feed with love

our hearts desire

The wild wise woman

 stands within the trees,

rooted below,

soul to sole

branched above,

soul to sol

centered within,

soul to source.

The wise wild woman

is alive in you,

welcome her

free her,

dance with her, beyond domesticity.

c.  cedar

Oct.7th, 2015

I AM

You see the outside seams of my destruction,

my societal stiches of perfect hair and face.

You hear the rasping voice of culture,

like fingernails on a chalk board

silencing my song. 

You smell nothing on my skin 

no traces of where I have been.

Yet past the skin,

deep in my bones

my inner stuffing

is thistle down

the seeds of weeds

where fairies sleep

the wild in me survives

in drought and dust,

rooted deep...

past top soil into clay

molding all 

                                                                                             I AM.                                                                                

Jan. 2013

I'm sitting here in a cosy chair sipping a soupy broth and looking out at the snow covered fields. The whiteness of the snow stretches across my mind like a blank canvas and I am taken back over twenty five years. I am standing beside three friends as we look at an older Datsun station wagon. She has a bit of rust here and over there, and I quess under there too ... but what did it matter her engine sounded good and for $400.00 she was just what we needed.

We named her Jessie because two of us had names that began with a J and two with a C. We were in our early twenties and planning series of hikikng trips through the desserts of Utah, Arizona and New Mexico. Jessie was to be our faithful companion, getting us where we needed to go. She ended up taking a few mice under the hood as well.

The time for our departure was getting close. Part of me kept thinking this was too good to be true. A few days before we left I took Jessie to the gas station for a fill up. In my dreamy excitement I paid for the gas then drove off. About half way home I realized I didn't put the gas cap back on. By the time I got back to the gas station it was gone. No big deal, I went to 'Canadian Tire' and bought a new one. Mistake made, lesson learned, carry on, right? Well yes and no, I wasn't to get off that easy. This came to my awareness on the day we were leaving for our desert oddessey.

 Knapsacks strapped down to the roof rack and spirits high we pulled into a gas station on our way out of town. I volnteered to work the pump and light heartedly mentioned that we even had a new gas cap for the trip because I had lost the old one. The next thing I knew my 'friend'  was standing next to me holding the gas cap with a scowl on her face. I laughed and said it's O.K. I've learnt my lesson and won't forget the cap. She just stared at me gripping the cap. I realized she wasn't joking and was not about to let me have the cap. She stood with her hands on her hips and in an icy tone said " If you have done it once you could do it again, and we can't take that chance."  I apologized and assured her that I would remember to put it back on, but she did not budge. I quickly saw my dreams of a heavenly trip turning to dust.

As we travelled through the canyon lands she took every opportunity to demean me. Even mentioning the beautiful colours of the fields was enough to tick her off. If I tried to defend myself she called me defensive. I decided the best thing to do was to ignore her, but inside I felt torn apart.

It was two long days before we made it to the canyonlands near Moab. Hope sprang in my heart as I leapt from the car. Everything was so beautiful!! Rosy colours and twilight shadows fell over smooth sandstone hills. We had arrived into a world steeped with wonder. Surely now that we were upon the Earth things would shift. With a light heart I began to pick up dried sticks that I found laying about the area in order to start a fire.

I came back with a smile and a stash of wood. I met my 'friend' at the fire pitt. She took one look at me and bellowed out "How stupid can you be! Don't you realize you are not supposed to break branches from trees! This is a national park!" ... I dropped the wood and said quietly "I didn't break anything, I got the sticks from the ground." There was no point in waiting around for her retort, my hopes dashed I walked away from the campsite and into the desert night.

I wasn't sure where I was going I just knew  I had to trust my feet to take me to someplace safe. Then there in the sandstone cliffs, I saw it. 'It' ... was an indentation about one metre in depth and almost as long as my body....the stone was still warm from the touch of the suns rays as I crawled up and into it. I curled myself up like a little baby inside her mother's womb, and began to cry. I felt so lost and helpless. I felt my body shake as I let go of all my stored up humiliation and pain.

I cried a long time.

As I silently cried into the sand... I drifted into looking at my tears as they absorbed into the sand ... slowly I became filled with a sense of all encompassing LOVE ... beckoned by something unknown I looked up through blurry eyes towards the sandstone hill opposite me. My tears slowed and ebbed as I gazed upon the Earth's rose toned body. Pure in her nakedness, unclothed by grass or trees. She showed me how the contours of her body had become beautiful by the gracious way in which she accepted the rain, the same way she had accepted my tears ... in her aged wisdom she allowed the water to carve her and reveal her beauty. I realized that I was being like a young granite mountain trying to weather out storms and the elements by ignoring them, only to have slabs of my being tumble to the ground. I felt my body gradually melt into the bones and body of the Earth allowing her essence and message to fill my whole being. Her loving acceptance of the rain shifted something deep inside of me. A calmness fell upon me as if a loving grandmother was resting her hand on my shoulder giving me strength....

I don't remember the journey , but somehow I made it back to camp that night. It would be nice to say my friend and I hugged when I got back, and all tensions were gone, unfortunately I can't. I can say her harrassment no longer bothered me. I was no longer tormented by her words.

Daily she increased her abusive language until one day, when we had stopped to have lunch beside a bend in the trail.The problem was it was so beautiful I had no desire to eat. So while the other three munched away I climbed up an adjacent, pure white, sand dune... there was no one around for miles and miles so followed the urge to get naked, and roll down it in sweet abandon. The otter in me was delighted. Playing and feeling the silky, soft, sand move over my body, like a warm powder snow, recharged me more than any amount of sandwiches could.

Unknown to me, my desire to play instead of eat infuriated my 'friend'. After we were back on the trail she came beside me and said you know  you are going to get hungry, when we were a distance from the others . I answered "Don't worry I can last a long time without food." Her face contorted with rage and yelled "You make me so mad! This is what I want to do to you. "  She picked up a rock and smashed it to the ground. She puffed a bit more then stormed off ahead of me. I stood still and watched her go. The strange thing was this little drama didn't bother me. Calmly accepting her anger was very easy. I didn't have to judge it right or wrong, it just was. I didn't even have a desire to speak about it to anyone. The beautiful thing was she lashed out less after that. Perhaps it was her last bit of hot air.  Maybe her angry fire had no more fuel to burn.  I wasn't behaving much different  than when I was trying to let her comments roll off of me ... but somehow she knew I was different and gave up trying. I like to think the desert MaMa took her aside too.

Many years have passed since then and sometimes I forget and get caught in a whirl of resistive emotions, ignoring instead of accepting, but if I manage to take a deep breath I can still feel the Earth's warm sandstone body cradling me ... I can see the soft curves and concaves of her pure unconditional LOVE and acceptance... I can let go of separateness and melt into oneness. Challenges then become ways to discover beauty.

May you who listen to this story, feel her warmth gently embrace you... accepting you as you are.   Blessed Be.

christina